Good Morning, Beautiful People!

So, I can already tell that today is going to be a good day. I'm done with the majority of my midterms (as of yesterday) and my reading for today was very light. Pretty much everything that was stressing me out during the past few weeks is no longer an issue. Well... I still feel fat and ugly sometimes, but that's a much deeper problem than the others on my list. I'm feeling rather optimistic, actually. I just need to remember that when things are hard and the road is rough, if I get past it, if I work through it, I get to experience peaceful days like this. Yes. I do have to work today. Three hours in the lab and 3.5 hours at the UCen. But hey! I only have one class and it just so happens to be my favorite one!

Because times have been stressful for me, I haven't really been taking care of myself. I've sort of fallen into a rut of bad eating habits. Over the weekend it was because Anthony was visiting me and it's hard to eat healthily around him. With him, it's all about pizza and Freeb!rds and of course we drink. (Oh God. And with Halloween coming up this weekend, my caloric intake is going to skyrocket...) I feel as if these calories are adding up. It literally makes me feel heavier. It's not just thinking that I've gained weight, or whatever. The way my brain works is that I truly feel as if I'm taking up more space and carrying around more weight than I did before. And then I work out for a few days and that feeling goes away. I feel lighter. I know that if I actually measure myself, I'm not gaining or losing inches nor am I gaining or losing pounds. But the feeling in my head is so strong that it's hard to rationalize with it.


I'm currently struggling with my desire to lose weight and my desire to look sexy to my boyfriend. Since I started living a healthier lifestyle two years ago, my boobs have shrunk from a 36D to a 34B. My pant size has gone from a 5-7 to 0-3. The hourglass figure that I came to love last year is disappearing before my eyes, which sucks because even though my waist has shrunk by an inch or so, it doesn't look small to me anymore. There isn't much of a contrast between my waist and my butt. So now I just want my waist to be smaller. I do cardio to burn fat, but then my butt shrinks even more! I don't feel sexy AND I don't feel skinny. What am I supposed to do about that? Gain weight again so that my butt gets bigger? How do I know that the fat won't go to my stomach and ruin everything?

So that's that. I'm just glad that that's all I'm worried about right now. A few weeks ago, it was the last thing on my mind. Things have calmed down in my external environment, but now all I have to focus on is myself, my disgusting self... But TODAY has to be a GOOD day! I'm not going to let this monster inside of me ruin today. It's a beautiful day in Santa Barbara and that's all that matters.

Changing with the Seasons

I've made some changes this year. A lot has changed within me as well as outside of me. I really wish I could post the pictures of myself that I took this January (they're naked photos, so it would be a bit awkward and probably not allowed on this site). I was weighing in at 118-121lbs and had just ended the holidays. I hadn't been working out for three weeks and I was basically eating whatever I wanted without counting calories or anything. I developed a bit of a pooch, as Anthony called it. I called it being chubby. I hated it. So I decided that it was time to use Spark People again so that I would get back on track and look lean and toned again. Now we all know how this turned out... 


Now, I'm weighing in at 109-112lbs. Until recently, I counted every single calorie I consumed. I logged in every minute of cardiovascular exercise and anaerobic exercises onto Spark People. I almost made myself throw up. I tried to cut myself. I called the suicide hotline on my 20th birthday. I started seeing a therapist. And now here I am, at school, having just about as many bad days as good days. Some nights, I want to die. When I'm busy or preoccupied, I'm rather content. However, if I get too busy, like recently, when things start to pile up around me, my eating disorder gets triggered. I've been stressed out recently and now all of the sudden, I'm trying to limit my caloric intake to around 1200 a day rather than the healthier (but still low) 1400-1600 a day. I don't think I would ever try to restrict to any lower than 1000, because I just don't want to push my eating disorder into anorexia. It's much harder to come back from that... 

A change I made a few years ago that I've been thinking about recently is my decision to quit drinking soda, more specifically Coca-Cola. I used to drink it multiple times a day and at that point I weighed around 125-128lbs. I was probably addicted to it, but I haven't had it since December 23rd, 2009. I'm really proud of kicking that habit and I have no desire to pick it up again. 


I'm still working on improving my complexion. I haven't yet been able to break the picking and popping habit. However, I bought myself the Murad system and have been using it religiously for the past two weeks. I haven't yet been able to see a tremendous improvement, but I expect to see a slightly better complexion in about two more weeks. The system claims that breakouts may increase within the first two weeks because your skin is purging the waste and healing. The turnover for new skin in about a month. That's when they claim that I should see improvement. I'll let you know if/when that happens. 

Also, in order to decrease my stress level, I dropped one of my classes. I'm so thankful that I made that decision because I'd probably be having panic attacks every other day if I hadn't. Now I'm just taking 16 units, which is about average. I think I'm still going to do my graduation ceremony in June and then finish up my units during either summer or fall quarter of 2012. I still have my two jobs. Working at the UCen and as a grader for Human Sexuality. My UCen job has been taking up about half my time and now the grader job will be starting on Monday. I'm actually really excited for it because I'll probably grade midterms WHILE working at the UCen. It's kind of fun to think that I'll be doing two jobs simultaneously and getting paid two different rates on two different time clocks. It just makes me giggle for some reason. 

Good news! I acquired a research position! I don't quite know all of the details yet, but it's completely official. I just have to do some paperwork and add it to my schedule and then it will be set in stone. I'm really excited for it because it's such great experience to have on your resume and in your academic background. Especially since I'm not going to be here for a fourth year, it's very good that I got this necessary position while at school. It's another thing to take up my time and stop me from thinking horrible thoughts about myself, while also gaining some great experience. 


A smaller change that I made recently is to the background of my blog. I really think it suits my mental situation because on one side, it's sunny and happy and beautiful and on the other side, it's dark and cloudy and foggy. It's sort of a symbol of my days here the past few weeks. There have been times when I'm content for days on end. However, recently, I've been upset for days on end. This picture is there to remind me on the days that I'm sad, that there are happy days to come and that I should get through it. I made a list of all the things that have been stressing me out recently and I realized that most of my issues right now are completely temporary! It gives me hope. Yes. There is a list of things I need to accomplish in order to remove these stressful things from my list, but just knowing that they won't be problems forever is very comforting. Hopefully, by the time I write my next blog entry, most of the things on my list will be gone and then I can focus on really seeing the bright side of my life and maybe improving things that are already good. Like focusing more on Anthony and our relationship. I will write again soon! Happy October!

End of Summer and New School Year

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new school year and hopefully my last at UCSB. I have made my decision and I'm pretty sure I'm sticking to it. There is always a chance that things may change, but currently, I'm ready to move on. I think my only hesitation is that I may not be able to work as manager for my job at the UCen. I would love to get promoted, but I don't think I would be the best choice if I'm only going to be here for the rest of the year. This is why I may stay for a summer session or two. This would lighten my workload during this year and allow me to have more work experience and possibly manager experience. I suppose it all really depends on what my academic advisor says when I finally get a chance to talk to him or her.

Another thing that I decided over the summer was to see a therapist. So I picked up the phone and called my health insurance, got a few names, and started my sessions. I love who I chose. She's funny and nice. She sees things in myself that I don't. She brings thoughts out of my that I never knew I had. For instance, I realized that I think of myself as a doormat and I'm alright with it, as long as people recognize that I'm a very pretty and nice doormat. I don't care about myself at all. In fact, I would help everybody else before I help myself. I see nothing in myself that deserves love or kindness, but I believe everyone else deserves it. I hardly even know myself anymore. I've become the shell of myself and my therapist helped me realize this. You may be thinking, "Wow! What a terrible thing to realize. Why would you be happy with your therapist for making you think these things?" Well, my dear imaginary reader, now that I know I think these things, I can figure out how to change my outlook.

My therapist also tells me that I have an eating disorder. It isn't anorexia or bulimia or anything like that. It's just that I have a disordered way of eating, a nonspecific eating disorder. I obsessively count my calories. I'm actually addicted to counting calories. I get panic attacks when I can't/don't work out. I weigh myself multiple times a day. The number on the scale can make or break my day. All of these quirks or obsessions or whatever you want to call them make my life a living hell. All I want is to be happy and healthy again. I want to be Happy Heather. I'm tired of every day being a struggle. Every waking minute, I'm waging war with myself and always going to bed at the end of the day defeated. I just want to die sometimes. My foreseeable future gets shorter and shorter. I hate not knowing where I will be in a year. I hate not knowing where Anthony will be in a year. We find out in March whether or not he gets into the Naval Academy. If he does, he would be in Maryland for four years starting next June. In which case, I would have to decide where I wanted to be until he and I could actually live together whether that be in Maryland in my own apartment or living with Elisabeth in Sacramento. There are so many factors. I don't even know what schooling I'll do after I graduate from UCSB. Should I go straight to working on my masters and doctorate? Should I take time to get certified as a personal trainer? Should I just take time off of school to work full time? What am I doing with my life? My God, I've totally lost track of where this paragraph was going...

In a nutshell, I've been depressed. Much to my dismay, this summer will forever be known as Heather's Bummer Summer, just as I feared it would in my last blog post. I hardly made any money. I didn't really make any fabulous memories. Anthony and I didn't really do anything special. My eating disorder took a turn for the worse. I went down to an average of 110 lbs, from 120 lbs in January. I'm terrified of gaining weight. I'm terrified of getting softer. I feel as if I already have.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new school year. I moved into my first apartment last weekend. I love it. I love having a kitchen and my own food and a living room. There's always somewhere I can go to be alone. Yet there is always somewhere I can go when I don't want to be alone. I'm working a lot because I have two jobs. I'm taking 20.5 units this quarter, so school will keep me busy. There is a little fitness center in my apartment complex so I have no excuse not to work out. I'm taking an aerobics class twice a week with Alexandria and my other friend Lara. My roommates are great. I have all the makings for a great school year. I just have to make sure I make myself happy when I'm down, make myself smile when I frown, make myself eat when I'm hungry, make my workouts fun, and when the going gets rough, know not to run. I've got to take a stand and face the challenges ahead. I've got to roll with the punches and not drown in my eating disorder, but instead, kick it in the ass, chase it out of town, and cheer victoriously over my mending spirit. I want the end of this summer to mark the end of my sadness and the new school year to bring in peace, love, acceptance and happiness into my life. I've already made a list of things that make me happy. I will often use it and tell my friends to use it when I'm down. Maybe my next blog post will be that list. Hopefully I'll be updating this blog a lot more now that I'm on my computer more often for school. Anyway! Wish me luck this year! I'm already feeling excited for it all to begin.

Kicking My Summer Blues Out the Door

My summer vacation was supposed to be the greatest yet. So far, it has not been living up to my high expectations. I've been working full time, which would be great if I actually got to keep my money. Instead, I have to save it for future rent and apartment stuff. Psh. Who needs a mattress?! Oh right... ME!!! Anyway, because I have been working so much, Anthony and I have not been seeing each other as much as we'd like and it's been causing problems. We're both very antsy and high strung. Disagreements come easily and way too often to be healthy for a relationship. We do the same thing all the time and are getting very bored. I haven't planned anything for my upcoming birthday on July 20th, which is SO unlike me. Typically, I would have started planning back in June or even if I'm super excited, the end of May! But this year is different. I've got nothing. I'll probably be working on my birthday and so will Anthony. I hope my day doesn't pass without recognition from someone, ANYONE! I may even wear a tiara and a ballgown to work just so someone will notice that there is something special about that day. Maybe I could tape a sign to my back saying, "It's my birthday. Give me a hug!" But that would be silly...

I've got the summer blues. I've been depressed a lot recently, prone to bursting into tears and/or rants, usually in front of poor Anthony, sometimes in front of Elisabeth. It's just not right. I recently made a decision to consciously stop complaining about my body in front of people anymore. I realized that it's not doing any good at all, for me or for my relationships. I used to think that it was good to let it all out and not let it rot away at my insides. However, I realized that the moment that negativity passes through my lips and into the real world, it has so much more wiggle room to infect my air and suffocate me into a pathetic comatose fetal position for hours. No good. No good at all. It has to stop. 

I'm going to work on myself more this summer. I've stopped complaining about my body to people. The negative voices are still in my head, but I've been reading a lot more books and it's so easy to forget about myself when I'm in a fictional world. I've also been working on my patience, at work, as a driver, and in general. I'm also trying to become less sensitive and less jealous. Those two personality traits have been the root of many an argument with Anthony. I know that it's alright to be a little sensitive if that's just who you are, but with me, it's ridiculous. It prevents people from being truly honest with me and I become unnecessarily upset at the smallest of things, which of course proceed to blow up in my face. Same with my jealousy. 

My emotional self isn't the only project on my list. Physically, I'm still working out. I feel as if I've lost some muscle tone this summer, but I'm working on getting it back. I'm trying not to let it upset me. I've been trying to improve my complexion, as always. I asked my mother for the Murad system for my birthday. I'll have to remind her, because she's probably forgotten, but that will hopefully help me when I start using it. I wear my retainer every night during the week and I'm using my mouthwash. I've been getting lazy about flossing, but I'll make it a habit again. My mental self is also a project. As I said earlier, I've been reading like crazy! I started my library summer reading program where I get raffle tickets for every book I read and if my name gets pulled, I win an e-reader. I already promised it to Anthony's mom if I win. I also started learning how to crochet. It's been slowgoing and I haven't picked up my yarn in a couple weeks, but I know I'll get back to it. I'm learning how to cook more dishes. I'm really excited to share my new recipes with my friends back at school! It's been so fun cooking for myself and my family. The dishes have all been really healthy and delicious. 

Currently, my social life consists of work (which doesn't really count), Anthony most of the time, Elisabeth some of the time, and my family hardly ever... There just isn't enough time in the day! And since Anthony and I have been having some issues, I really need to focus my time on making us better. So today I came up with a bunch of fun date ideas and I'm really excited to try them out! He and I really need to have some fun times to erase those recent disputes. Things are going to start changing for me. This summer can't be the one I look back on and remember poorly. I'm just not going to let that happen. This won't be Heather's Bummer Summer! Hopefully my plan works and the next time I write a blog entry, it will focus on how happy and relaxed I've been. Wish me luck! 

Illness and Immunity

As this is a blog about health, it might seem counterintuitive to write about sickness. Unfortunately, I can’t stop thinking about it because I am currently sick and I have been for a few weeks now. Yesterday, my eyes looked really irritated, but I didn’t think anything of it until I realized the irritation wasn’t going away. I diagnosed myself with pink eye and went to Student Health today. It’s confirmed. I have contracted conjunctivitis, pink eye. The doctor said that I got it from the infection I already had by being sick spreading into my tear ducts. It’s nice to know how I got pink eye, but I want to know why I’m still sick!

I consider myself a relatively healthy person. I exercise 5-6 days a week. I eat the right kinds of foods. I get enough sleep. So how has my immune system not fought off this cold? Because of my sucky immune system, I now have to deal with pink eye. I despise eye infections. I don’t like looking at them in other people. I can’t STAND having them myself. I literally get panic attacks. It’s kind of like how some people get freaked out by needles or blood. For me, it’s eye problems. So, obviously, when I have one myself, functioning in daily activities becomes difficult. And to top it off, I can’t wear my contacts for a week! I have to wear my stupid glasses. There are many reasons why I hate my glasses. I can’t work out in them. I can’t see out of my peripheral vision. They slide down my face. Putting makeup on becomes much more difficult. And they aren’t as good a prescription as my contacts, so I can’t even see as well!

It’s obvious that I’m not in the best of moods because of this pink eye business. It’s interrupting my life. I have the eye drops, so it should clear up in a couple days. I realize I’m overreacting and that it could be much worse. But that’s not really the point. I want to know how I can strengthen my immune system so that my colds don’t last this long ever again.

So I spent a little bit of time researching how I can bolster my immunity and stumbled upon the Harvard Medical School Publications. The following information is literally copied and pasted from this article that I will post at the bottom of this entry (I added the pictures):

“Adopt healthy-living strategies

DON'T SMOKE!!!

“Your first line of defense is to choose a healthy lifestyle. Following general good-health guidelines is the single best step you can take toward keeping your immune system strong and healthy. Every part of your body, including your immune system, functions better when protected from environmental assaults and bolstered by healthy-living strategies such as these:

Eat a diet high in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and low in saturated fat.

Exercise regularly.

Maintain a healthy weight.

Control your blood pressure.

If you drink alcohol, drink only in moderation.

Get adequate sleep. 

Take steps to avoid infection, such as washing your hands frequently and cooking meats thoroughly.

Get regular medical screening tests for people in your age group and risk category.”

 So basically, I’m doing all I can. According to this article, there really isn’t much one can do beyond maintaining a healthy lifestyle. But it’s still so frustrating when I get sick and stay sick for a ridiculously long time. Fortunately, my eye infection is gone. (I’m writing this segment about a week after I started it.) I’ve still got a cough and my sinuses are still bothering me. One factor I may not have considered yet is my environment. Lately, Santa Barbara has been experiencing windstorms. There is a lot of dust in the air from all the construction going on, not to mention all of the pollen. I’m sure this aggravates my body even more than it aggravates me when I’m trying to bike to class against the wind, forcing the pedals down as if I’m on the highest gear (which I’m not).

This school year is very close to being over. I’ll be back in my hometown with a hopefully not windy environment. I’ll also be able to stress less because I won’t have exams and papers to worry me. Stress might be another reason why I’m still feeling cold symptoms. Over the summer, I’ll be able to relax and spend time with my friends, family, and Anthony. I’ll still have to work, but it’s not like I’ll be staying up all night writing papers and studying. I’ll also get to finally take full advantage of my Massage Envy membership. I can’t begin to explain how excited I am for my first scheduled massage with my favorite massage therapist, Tom. He’s amazing! I’m also ready for my first facial. I’m sure my skin will start looking a lot better as my stress decreases. I won’t have to worry about money anymore, either, because I’ll be working at my summer job and saving money for rent and textbooks for the following school year. I’ve actually already begun to stop worrying about money. I just got paid for my second job yesterday and since I’ve been working so many hours, I was not disappointed.

See? I’ve already begun to feel better physically. Just thinking about being healthy and the fun, relaxing summer to come has improved my mood and attitude. But I’m not out of hot water just yet. If I let myself get prematurely relaxed, I don’t put as much effort into my schoolwork. I’m on the home stretch. Literally! Once I finish this next week and a half, I’ll be home! I’ve got three finals and a term paper to write. I have to work at my UCen job for 24 more hours. I have to grade a final for about 10-12 hours. I have to pack and move out. Then I’ll be on the road with my mom. Then I’ll be home! But I’m getting ahead of myself again…

Harvard Medical School Publications

Happiness

Being happy and recognizing your happiness is vital to health and wellness and your beauty truly shines when you're happy. Here, I have recorded some of the happiest times of my life and posted them for you. Enjoy!

One of the happiest days of my relationship with Anthony: playing and kissing in a rainstorm!

My first visit to Disneyland. I was ecstatic to meet Mickey!

Caught in mid-laugh. :D

This is my "I got the job!" face, BEFORE I got the job. I got my wish!

Spontaneous jumping for joy. I felt great about myself that day!

My best friend, Elisabeth, back in high school, our first trip to New York!

Now go take some happy pictures of your own! 

Second Year of College: Analysis

University Center, where I work now!

The whole campus is under construction right now. They’ve torn out the infrastructure, destroyed the landscaping, and are preparing to close off the library this coming school year. This year will be forever etched in my mind as the year of my mental breakdown and reconstruction.

I am currently doing really well. I just got a job working at the UCen. I’ve been in dire need of a second job for a while now. I’m already a course grader for Human Sexuality. Money has been tight, as always, and I really need to pay off my credit card and save money for next year. I’ll be working 15 hours this week for the UCen job alone, plus the 5 or so hours for the course grader job. Thankfully, I don’t have any midterms or papers due this week. I’m using this time to catch up and get ahead on my workload.

My new time-consuming activity

I’ve been at ease today. I actually feel like I’m getting work done rather than sitting around mindlessly wasting it. Having two jobs and working at least 12 hours a week for one of them will really teach me how to better manage my time. I really have to use my free time to do homework and not watch episodes of Ally McBeal on Netflix. If I get work done during the week, then I can relax on the weekend. It shouldn’t be the opposite. I’m currently doing the bare minimum during the week and then working my ass off during the weekend, staying up until 4am reading and probably not retaining any of it. But right now, I’m doing better. I’m motivated. I’m going to get it done. I’m going to finish this year right.

Me: baring the legs I've come to love

Mentally, my reconstruction is in full swing. I’m positive and focused. I’m diligent and disciplined. I’m not letting myself be negative towards my body or my mind. When I feel myself about to tear down my reflection and pick at every little flaw in the mirror, I consciously stop myself. I recognize the signs of trouble. I’ve even been working out a lot more, but not because I’m trying to lose weight or anything, but because I actually feel like it. I really do get that “runner’s high,” which is the release of endorphins in your brain that you get after a great workout, not just after running. Also, parts of my body that I really used to hate have been looking great to me recently, like my legs, for example. They are fabulous! I think I can attribute this change, not only to my new positive outlook, but more realistically, to my aerobics class. I really think all the kickboxing and step aerobics have paid off! I think I’m going to continue taking classes like that over the summer at my gym back home. I cannot wait to make Anthony take Zumba classes with me. I wish I could record it!

Me, Marie, Kat, and Gemma: future housemates! 

I don’t think I’m entirely off the hook yet, though. Over the weekend, I felt like I ate too much at breakfast and I was overcome with this paralyzing fear. I could feel panic setting in, my heart start to race and my skin go cold. At first, I didn’t know why I was feeling that way, but then I realized that I was about to relapse. It was so sudden, it took me a minute to catch my breath and talk myself back into my calm, positive state. It helped to have my friends there to talk to me rationally. Reason usually works in my times of mental crisis. So, no. I’m not out of the woods just yet. I honestly don’t know if I ever will be… That’s not the most optimistic outlook, I know, but I feel like it’s better for me to stop expecting to get better and let it happen on its own as long as I stay vigilant about preventing negative thinking and always trying to see the good things in myself. I really, really don’t want to sink back into that depression I had during finals week last quarter. You probably remember… But like I said, I’m going to finish this year strong. I’m going to stay positive and get my work done. I still have Anthony, who will be visiting me in about a week, for which I am super excited! My best friend Elisabeth came down to stay with me for a couple days a couple weeks ago, too! I have such a strong support network. If I do fall off the wagon again, I have no doubt that they will pull me back up. Not to mention my great friends here at UCSB: Marie, Gemma, Kat… Such great girls. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

This year, while the school was under construction, so was I. And I truly think that I’ll be the better for it. My infrastructure is stronger. My appearance has improved. It will be a long time until I have to reconstruct myself again. Just like my campus, I will be forever changing, but always for the better.