Good Morning, Beautiful People!

So, I can already tell that today is going to be a good day. I'm done with the majority of my midterms (as of yesterday) and my reading for today was very light. Pretty much everything that was stressing me out during the past few weeks is no longer an issue. Well... I still feel fat and ugly sometimes, but that's a much deeper problem than the others on my list. I'm feeling rather optimistic, actually. I just need to remember that when things are hard and the road is rough, if I get past it, if I work through it, I get to experience peaceful days like this. Yes. I do have to work today. Three hours in the lab and 3.5 hours at the UCen. But hey! I only have one class and it just so happens to be my favorite one!

Because times have been stressful for me, I haven't really been taking care of myself. I've sort of fallen into a rut of bad eating habits. Over the weekend it was because Anthony was visiting me and it's hard to eat healthily around him. With him, it's all about pizza and Freeb!rds and of course we drink. (Oh God. And with Halloween coming up this weekend, my caloric intake is going to skyrocket...) I feel as if these calories are adding up. It literally makes me feel heavier. It's not just thinking that I've gained weight, or whatever. The way my brain works is that I truly feel as if I'm taking up more space and carrying around more weight than I did before. And then I work out for a few days and that feeling goes away. I feel lighter. I know that if I actually measure myself, I'm not gaining or losing inches nor am I gaining or losing pounds. But the feeling in my head is so strong that it's hard to rationalize with it.


I'm currently struggling with my desire to lose weight and my desire to look sexy to my boyfriend. Since I started living a healthier lifestyle two years ago, my boobs have shrunk from a 36D to a 34B. My pant size has gone from a 5-7 to 0-3. The hourglass figure that I came to love last year is disappearing before my eyes, which sucks because even though my waist has shrunk by an inch or so, it doesn't look small to me anymore. There isn't much of a contrast between my waist and my butt. So now I just want my waist to be smaller. I do cardio to burn fat, but then my butt shrinks even more! I don't feel sexy AND I don't feel skinny. What am I supposed to do about that? Gain weight again so that my butt gets bigger? How do I know that the fat won't go to my stomach and ruin everything?

So that's that. I'm just glad that that's all I'm worried about right now. A few weeks ago, it was the last thing on my mind. Things have calmed down in my external environment, but now all I have to focus on is myself, my disgusting self... But TODAY has to be a GOOD day! I'm not going to let this monster inside of me ruin today. It's a beautiful day in Santa Barbara and that's all that matters.

Changing with the Seasons

I've made some changes this year. A lot has changed within me as well as outside of me. I really wish I could post the pictures of myself that I took this January (they're naked photos, so it would be a bit awkward and probably not allowed on this site). I was weighing in at 118-121lbs and had just ended the holidays. I hadn't been working out for three weeks and I was basically eating whatever I wanted without counting calories or anything. I developed a bit of a pooch, as Anthony called it. I called it being chubby. I hated it. So I decided that it was time to use Spark People again so that I would get back on track and look lean and toned again. Now we all know how this turned out... 


Now, I'm weighing in at 109-112lbs. Until recently, I counted every single calorie I consumed. I logged in every minute of cardiovascular exercise and anaerobic exercises onto Spark People. I almost made myself throw up. I tried to cut myself. I called the suicide hotline on my 20th birthday. I started seeing a therapist. And now here I am, at school, having just about as many bad days as good days. Some nights, I want to die. When I'm busy or preoccupied, I'm rather content. However, if I get too busy, like recently, when things start to pile up around me, my eating disorder gets triggered. I've been stressed out recently and now all of the sudden, I'm trying to limit my caloric intake to around 1200 a day rather than the healthier (but still low) 1400-1600 a day. I don't think I would ever try to restrict to any lower than 1000, because I just don't want to push my eating disorder into anorexia. It's much harder to come back from that... 

A change I made a few years ago that I've been thinking about recently is my decision to quit drinking soda, more specifically Coca-Cola. I used to drink it multiple times a day and at that point I weighed around 125-128lbs. I was probably addicted to it, but I haven't had it since December 23rd, 2009. I'm really proud of kicking that habit and I have no desire to pick it up again. 


I'm still working on improving my complexion. I haven't yet been able to break the picking and popping habit. However, I bought myself the Murad system and have been using it religiously for the past two weeks. I haven't yet been able to see a tremendous improvement, but I expect to see a slightly better complexion in about two more weeks. The system claims that breakouts may increase within the first two weeks because your skin is purging the waste and healing. The turnover for new skin in about a month. That's when they claim that I should see improvement. I'll let you know if/when that happens. 

Also, in order to decrease my stress level, I dropped one of my classes. I'm so thankful that I made that decision because I'd probably be having panic attacks every other day if I hadn't. Now I'm just taking 16 units, which is about average. I think I'm still going to do my graduation ceremony in June and then finish up my units during either summer or fall quarter of 2012. I still have my two jobs. Working at the UCen and as a grader for Human Sexuality. My UCen job has been taking up about half my time and now the grader job will be starting on Monday. I'm actually really excited for it because I'll probably grade midterms WHILE working at the UCen. It's kind of fun to think that I'll be doing two jobs simultaneously and getting paid two different rates on two different time clocks. It just makes me giggle for some reason. 

Good news! I acquired a research position! I don't quite know all of the details yet, but it's completely official. I just have to do some paperwork and add it to my schedule and then it will be set in stone. I'm really excited for it because it's such great experience to have on your resume and in your academic background. Especially since I'm not going to be here for a fourth year, it's very good that I got this necessary position while at school. It's another thing to take up my time and stop me from thinking horrible thoughts about myself, while also gaining some great experience. 


A smaller change that I made recently is to the background of my blog. I really think it suits my mental situation because on one side, it's sunny and happy and beautiful and on the other side, it's dark and cloudy and foggy. It's sort of a symbol of my days here the past few weeks. There have been times when I'm content for days on end. However, recently, I've been upset for days on end. This picture is there to remind me on the days that I'm sad, that there are happy days to come and that I should get through it. I made a list of all the things that have been stressing me out recently and I realized that most of my issues right now are completely temporary! It gives me hope. Yes. There is a list of things I need to accomplish in order to remove these stressful things from my list, but just knowing that they won't be problems forever is very comforting. Hopefully, by the time I write my next blog entry, most of the things on my list will be gone and then I can focus on really seeing the bright side of my life and maybe improving things that are already good. Like focusing more on Anthony and our relationship. I will write again soon! Happy October!