So, I can already tell that today is going to be a good day. I'm done with the majority of my midterms (as of yesterday) and my reading for today was very light. Pretty much everything that was stressing me out during the past few weeks is no longer an issue. Well... I still feel fat and ugly sometimes, but that's a much deeper problem than the others on my list. I'm feeling rather optimistic, actually. I just need to remember that when things are hard and the road is rough, if I get past it, if I work through it, I get to experience peaceful days like this. Yes. I do have to work today. Three hours in the lab and 3.5 hours at the UCen. But hey! I only have one class and it just so happens to be my favorite one!
Because times have been stressful for me, I haven't really been taking care of myself. I've sort of fallen into a rut of bad eating habits. Over the weekend it was because Anthony was visiting me and it's hard to eat healthily around him. With him, it's all about pizza and Freeb!rds and of course we drink. (Oh God. And with Halloween coming up this weekend, my caloric intake is going to skyrocket...) I feel as if these calories are adding up. It literally makes me feel heavier. It's not just thinking that I've gained weight, or whatever. The way my brain works is that I truly feel as if I'm taking up more space and carrying around more weight than I did before. And then I work out for a few days and that feeling goes away. I feel lighter. I know that if I actually measure myself, I'm not gaining or losing inches nor am I gaining or losing pounds. But the feeling in my head is so strong that it's hard to rationalize with it.
I'm currently struggling with my desire to lose weight and my desire to look sexy to my boyfriend. Since I started living a healthier lifestyle two years ago, my boobs have shrunk from a 36D to a 34B. My pant size has gone from a 5-7 to 0-3. The hourglass figure that I came to love last year is disappearing before my eyes, which sucks because even though my waist has shrunk by an inch or so, it doesn't look small to me anymore. There isn't much of a contrast between my waist and my butt. So now I just want my waist to be smaller. I do cardio to burn fat, but then my butt shrinks even more! I don't feel sexy AND I don't feel skinny. What am I supposed to do about that? Gain weight again so that my butt gets bigger? How do I know that the fat won't go to my stomach and ruin everything?
So that's that. I'm just glad that that's all I'm worried about right now. A few weeks ago, it was the last thing on my mind. Things have calmed down in my external environment, but now all I have to focus on is myself, my disgusting self... But TODAY has to be a GOOD day! I'm not going to let this monster inside of me ruin today. It's a beautiful day in Santa Barbara and that's all that matters.