New Beginnings

I love new beginnings. Everything is so fresh and clean. There are opportunities to act differently and look at life with new eyes. I am on the train going back to UCSB for the last quarter of the school year. Today is the last day of my spring break. I feel relaxed and ready to finish up my second year of college. Over break, I spent most of my time with Anthony. I saw my family. I got a wonderful massage from my favorite massage therapist at Massage Envy, as well as a facial. I feel as if I’m glowing, which is odd, because usually when I’m travelling, I feel grimy and gross. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to exercise more than once this week. My body feels flabby and neglected… I realize that I can’t get fat in one week of not working out and overeating, but it just feels that way. I’m excited to get back into my work out routine and regular healthy food habits.

I’m really going to miss Anthony, though. He really brought me back from that dark hole of despair I dug last week. He brought the light back into my eyes, the spark back into my soul. I’m rejuvenated. I’m going to finish off this year strong.

New beginnings are scary, though… Anthony and I are in a transition period, which has to do with me being in a transition period. To quote Britney Spears, “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.” It’s true! I’m not a kid anymore. I’m away from home, taking care of myself. I’m probably healthier on my own than I ever was when I lived with my parents. I’m at college, learning things I’ll use in the future and some things that I’ll never use. The point is that I’m learning; I’m training my mind, disciplining myself. I’m working, trying, trying, trying to save money when I can. Trying, trying, trying to pay off my debts. The fact that I have debts is another sign that I’m not a kid anymore. What child do you know of who has credit card debt? This is all well and good, evidence that I’m an “adult”, however, I’m not totally on my own. I’m not paying for college. I’m definitely not making enough money to survive. My mom bails me out. For the most part, she’ll be there in a pinch. I’m still immature. I party. I try new things. I’m not a grown up. I may be a legal adult, but I’m not entirely ready for the real world. But Anthony is ready. He’s ready to move on to that next level of our relationship. If I follow him that means I have to sacrifice this time when I can be an “adult,” a grown up child.

Last week, I experience this strange feeling. I couldn’t figure it out. Was I depressed? Was I angry? Bored? Finally, it dawned on me. I was ready! I had this urge to tear down all of my childish posters and get rid of all of my juvenile possessions and move the heck on! I needed to shed that skin. But at the same time, there is something holding me back. I can’t do it all at once. I’m not ready to completely grow up. I’m still in college; there are still experiences that I want/need to have. But I’m ready to start the process. I already have a plan for my future. I know what I want to do, what my goals are. I’m like a hot air balloon, rising into the sky, but it will be slow going, dropping one sand bag at a time.

For now, I’m just excited for my new beginning. I’m ready for spring quarter. I’m ready to plan for fall quarter 2011. I’m ready to maintain a healthy routine and keep in touch with my family and friends. I get to come back to a clean room, unpack, stock up on groceries, get to bed early, and go to classes tomorrow. One day at a time, one sand bag at a time. By the end, Anthony will be there waiting for me, behind me will be those for whom I’m setting an example.

Joe Martin, a motivational speaker who does presentations for the National Society of Leadership and Success, say that we need to determine our purpose. We need to look at what we do during the day, how we spend out time. Then we should ask ourselves if our habits, our daily activities, line up with our purpose. If not, we need to change our activities so that they will better enable us to achieve our purpose. For example, I want to be a healthy, socially, mentally and physically. If I’m spending all of my time alone in my room, eating junk food and mentally criticizing myself, I am not doing what I should to meet my goals. Instead, I should be exercising, eating healthy, spending time with my friends, and shutting off my critical inner voice.

So I challenge you, Joe Martin challenges you, discover your purpose through your goals. Examine your habits and change them if necessary to help you reach those goals. You should be spending at least an hour a day working toward your purpose.

Sorry if this seems preachy or cheesy… I’m mostly reminding myself to do these things. New beginnings mean reevaluating my goals and actions to make sure I’m going to start off on the right foot. I’ll end with a ridiculously cheesy phrase I still remember from middle school: If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don’t sit on your butt, because who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time?

All You Need is Love

"Love is a many splendored thing! Love... lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!" - Ewan McGregor's Christian from Moulin Rouge


Love songs. Romantic comedies. Musical theatre! Poetry. Literature. Visual art... painting, sculpture...


Artists create from experience, from everybody's experience, their own experience... Art is a way of knowing the world, just like science or philosophy or religion. Art shows us things that we may not have noticed before. It predicts our mistakes, time and time again. It also shows us the plethora of things for which to live. I'm going to discuss one of them: love. 

I used to not believe in love. Really. My family is like one of those tavern walls of some western movie, riddled with bullet holes of divorce. I never understood why everyone in my family split up and tore their own families apart. If love truly existed, wouldn't it keep them together? I had obviously never experienced true love. By high school, I had convinced myself that I was undesirable, unloveable, a cynic, bitter and angry and that no one would ever want to be my boyfriend. I was not girlfriend material. I had this mental rule-book: don't have crushes on guys because they will go nowhere, you'll only get hurt if you flirt with him, it may seem like he's flirting with you or hitting on your, but he's only being nice, don't think anything of it, etc. Yup. That was me. And I'm not going to blame my mother or anyone, but my lack of love for both myself and anyone else may be correlated with the fact that no one in my family was super lovey-dovey. And that's just fine. That's how they are. I'm not saying that I'm going to let that determine how I raise my family, but they made a choice. I turned out fine, for the most part. I'm functional and rational and goal-oriented. But that's not the point. 


The point is that I had to throw that stupid rule-book out the window once someone so kindly pointed out to me that Anthony (a boy I had a huge crush on, who is now my boyfriend going on 3 years) really did like me. He wasn't "just being nice" like I kept reiterating to myself. So we began a relationship... and I fell in love. It was crazy! How could I be experiencing something that I claimed did not exist? Well... since the evidence did not fit the theory, I had to change it. And that's where I am today. 


I love love! It fills me up inside. It warms me. I love that the love is mutual. I love that love supports me and takes care of me and will lead to a beautiful family that I will love love love love love! I can't stop saying it! I'm not one of those people who condemns saying things like "I love that band!" or "I love you!" to friends or even celebrities or whatever. I think that if people really understand the meaning of love, they can differentiate between me saying "I love you" to Anthony and me saying "I love chocolate/purple/shopping" There is an obvious difference! And if you can't see that, you need to do some soul searching or something. Figure out why you think that. 


Also! Love can absolutely be used for your friends. Anthony and my best friend Elisabeth always "argue" about who I love the most. Honestly, it took me a long time to really figure it out, because you want to be loyal to your partner because he or she is your other half, the other side of you, the completion of you, but your best friend, especially two women... that's a different kind of love. It's the love between two soul sisters, the link between best friends, female best friends who know everything about each other and still accept each other for all of their faults, that's a powerful bond. So I always used to say, "I love you both equally, but differently!" That's still half true. I realized that if I ever lost Elisabeth, I would be heartbroken and very very sad, but I really believe that I'd end up being ok. I'd cope with it better. However, if I lost Anthony, that means that I lost him as well as my future family and the children we plan on creating together and that whole dream! Losing Elisabeth would be heartbreaking, but losing Anthony would be soul-crushing... 


Side Note: I don't believe in the soul, the Christian soul that lives after death or any kind of eternal soul that is separate from the body. But I still use the word because it does encompass, for me, the conscious sum of hopes and dreams, that motivating fire in our hearts, the spark in our eyes. A heart can mend, but once a soul is crushed, that fire is out and can't come back. 


I'm discussing love today because I really believe that everybody needs it to have a healthy life. Everyone needs fulfilling relationships. Even if you don't believe in love (which is fine...) someone loves you whether you like it or not. The title of this entry is "All You Need is Love", but I'm just trying to be poetic. I don't really believe that people can survive off love alone, but it certainly helps. 






Side Note: Also! Sex is NOT love. Sex is a biological action that humans and animals alike need to do. It releases endorphins and actually (I don't remember why...) makes us live longer! But sex is not love. It's an expression of love for those in a relationship, but you don't need love to have sex. It makes it more meaningful, but not everyone needs meaningful sex. Sex is also a way for people to make children, when they want them! I just wanted to mention this because some people may get this confused and think that I'm talking about sex in this post. But I'm talking about love, a feeling you get when you really care for someone, and you accept them for their imperfections and respect them enough that you would never hurt them intentionally. That's a very simple definition; I'm sure there is more to it that that for most people. 


So my advice here is to think about all of the people you love, and all of the people who love you (even if you don't love them back). Think about why they love you and why you love them. Those reasons why they love you, write them down, look at them often, and believe them! Love yourself for those reasons! The reasons why you love them, also write those down, look at them often, and encompass them! Try to incorporate those characteristics you love about someone into your own character. For example, I love Anthony's patience and I know that I am a very impatient person. I'm always trying to become more patient, because it is an admirable quality. 


Yes I realize that this is a very long post... I'm mostly talking to myself. I really believe that if I stop focusing on my unhealthy relationship with my Self, and rather on my healthy relationships with others, I can learn how to see myself through their eyes. It's something new I'm trying. I'll let you know how it works out!

Self Hate

I am in an abusive relationship.

It's one of those relationships that you can't escape. It's permanent. You're stuck with this person. One cannot exist without the other. We support each other, but we tear each other down. We get off on each other's pain and misery. We push each other and challenge each other. We eat together, sleep together, live together, learn together... I remember the days when my relationship was healthy, back when I wasn't aware of it. It was just me, and "me" was I and I was happy and it was a continuum of being myself. But now myself has split into two, the "me" and the "Self". And we are in a love-hate relationship.

Why am I so cruel to myself? What did my Self do to me to make me hate her so much? I don't lie to myself. I don't cheat myself. I don't abuse myself. But my Self abuses me. It's like I'm two different people, maybe even three people, but the third Heather, the positive and happy Heather, has been on a hiatus for the past few weeks. It's just me, the neutral, distracted Heather and my Self, the evil, vindictive, me-hating Heather. She and I have been battling it out for control, and she's been winning. I'm turning into this self-abusing, self-hating person. Everybody is worried about me, but not worried enough. I'm not sure if they know the gravity of the situation. Where is happy Heather? She is my support. She keeps me going. How can I fight off my inner critic when I'm just in neutral?

Lately, I've been really leaning on my boyfriend, Anthony, for support. I keep falling apart and he keeps having to put me back together again... and again... and again! It's not fair to him. He used to have this happy, vivacious girlfriend. I've never truly loved myself, but I never hated myself as much as I do now. How can someone love a person who doesn't love herself? He's been having to love me for the both of us. And I feel like I haven't been able to muster up any love to shower on him. That doesn't mean I don't love him. I love him with all of my heart, every fiber of my being, every inch of me is for him. But I'm in neutral. Emotions that I can handle at this point don't really extend beyond stress and sadness. When my negative Self takes over, however, I become angry and depressed and filled with hatred and impulsivity. I want to do something drastic. I want to make a statement. I'm hovering over this line that I have yet to cross. If I cross it, I will pass into a realm that I don't really want to explore. When I get close to crossing that line, the "me", the meek little neutral and rational "me" speaks up and asks for help, usually from Anthony. So far... I've been asking for help when it gets bad. I really hope the time doesn't come when I don't want to ask for help and I just want to cross the line.

In my last post, I mentioned that it was finals week and I gave myself some tips for stress relief. Yeah... I didn't really take my own advice. I've been exercising for sure. I listened to some upbeat music before my most recent final and I think that helped. But that's about it. I've really been letting the stress get to me this week. It may be what triggered this meltdown of mine. I guess we'll see what happens when I get a week off for Spring Break. And I'll be with Anthony for that week, so maybe physical contact and direct love and support will help me.

I'm just really sick of feeling this way. I do NOT want to cross that line. I'll become something that I never thought I would be. I'd set myself up for failure. I'd start this spiral of actions and reactions that would be this vicious cycle until either I waste away or Anthony gives up on me... or my friends give up on me...

I just don't know what to do. How do I put myself back together again? How can I make that vibrant, happy, beautiful Heather return?

I obviously have no advice for this post. If I did, I'd say it to myself... huh... and my Self!

And of course I feel even worse knowing that so many have died recently in the earthquake and tsunami in Japan... and here I am whining about how I hate myself and woe is me and please help and what do I do... blah blah blah... And feeling guilty about feeling sad doesn't really make me feel any better, does it...

Stress Relief

Ok so right off the bat, totally honest, this is me: 


I am one of the most tense and anxious people you will ever meet. I'm also extremely moody and emotional. The smallest things can change my day from awesome to horrible and back to amazing and then to neutral... I'm like a manual transmission (not a car person...) or a roller coaster or... other things that change dramatically at the drop of a pin. I'm also dramatic and flamboyant and this is part of my humor, but sometimes, I know I need to chill out, calm down, relax, take a breather, smell the roses, whatever other sayings or mantras there are about stress relief and what not. 


This week and next week are going to be examples of how stressed out and insane I can me. Dead Week (sounds very foreboding, does it not?) and Finals Week. These are the last two weeks of a quarter in college, where all the students (who care about their grades) get super wound up and freaked out about studying and reading and kind of let their mental health go... I admit, I am one of these students. But it's one of those aspects of health that I'm working on, with you all watching... and hopefully not laughing. Did you know that anxious people are more likely to develop heart problems? We apparently don't live as long (in general) as people who can handle stress well. This doesn't bode so well for me, unfortunately. So I've come up with a list of things I can do to relax during high periods of stress in my life. And maybe some of these ideas will help for you, as well: 


1) Exercise!

Try to fit it at least 10 minutes of cardiovascular exercise per day!

2) Yoga/Meditation

Great for balance, flexibility, and mindfulness

3) Listening to upbeat, positive music

Firework by Katy Perry is one of my favorite feel good songs

4) Sing and Dance

Singing and dancing (even if it's not your forte) releases built up tension and anxiety

5) Eat well

Unhealthy foods give you that sugar rush and then you crash,  but whole grains and veggies give you energy that lasts throughout the day and you won't feel badly about yourself later!

6) Get a restful 7-8 hour sleep

Sleep is that break from the day when you regenerate and really process everything that happened.  Studying then getting a full night's sleep is much better for learning than an all night cram session. 

7) Get some sunshine!

Sunshine decreases your chances of developing depression!

8) Talk to friends/family/partners

Friends and family will support you and love you no matter what and talking to people you love will improve your mood and decrease stress in no time! As long as you keep the conversation positive...

9) Remind yourself that YOU MATTER!!!

Program put on by my college UC Santa Barbara during Dead Week to remind the students to take care of themselves during this stressful time. It's actually happening today and I'm so excited to be a part of it.

So I hope this helped you. It certainly helps me! I'm sure I'll come up with more tips for stress relief and wellness and update you on what I learn. I'll end with one last tip: SMILE! Just the act of smiling will make you happier and most of the time, if you smile at a stranger they'll smile right back. Spread the love!

Body Image

Isn't it silly how a sudden and unexpected drop in the number on that scale can make a day go from blah to amazing? That sudden drop could be a sign that something is wrong. People don't randomly lose 4 lbs in a week, but we (women in particular) thrive on those possibly unhealthy numbers. 


The world we live in rewards thin and slightly underweight women and doesn't focus enough attention on feeling your best and most confident self. Magazines are slowly trying to increase the number of "fiercely real" (in the words of Tyra Banks) girls in their fashion pictures and giving advice about what clothes to wear to look their very best (under the euphemism "curvy" or course). When did thin become so attractive? What happened to the statuesque goddess-like beauty of Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell? Nowadays, these women would be considered less than ideal, even chubby! Why is voluptuous and healthy considered chubby and pudgy [insert whatever word you use here] and "plus size"? I'm sure that these beautiful and sexy women didn't spend half of their lives working out at the gym and denying themselves their favorite foods left and right. They owned their bodies and the world could see that. 


So what can the normal woman do to avoid these images of "perfect" women and all of those things out in the world that make us hate ourselves? Well... you could throw out all of your favorite magazines. You could never go on the internet again. And just stop watching TV and movies while you're at it. Try to walk outside with your eyes closed. You might see someone who looks "better" than you. Yes. I realize that these options got more and more ridiculous as the list went on. That's because these are all of the things that people have told me to do and I hate these choices. They pretty much suck. So my advice to myself and to all of you is to stop comparing! I realize that it's really difficult to do that. Believe me. I'm still working on it. But once you stop comparing yourself to everyone else, you'll learn to love what you look like and feel confident in who you are. I honestly believe that confidence is what can be the difference between a "dull-looking" person and a radiant person. Think about all the beautiful women in your life... Are they all size 0, tan, blonde, tall? I doubt it. What makes them beautiful to you? Embody that. But again, why should you all listen to me when I haven't yet taken my own advice? I will. I am! Like I said: this blog will be my journey. I'm right there with you. 


Have a fabulous week!

Welcome

So I've never written a blog before. 


I just thought I'd start with that... But I'm embarking on a journey. Actually, I've been on this journey for years now, but I've hit a plateau, and in some ways, I've taken steps backward. This is a journey where the final destination is love and respect for myself, my body, my health and to incorporate wellness and beauty into my life. 


I'm a physically healthy person. I'm fit, at a healthy body weight. I eat right, three meals a day, lots of veggies and whole grains. I get lots of sleep. But I believe that being healthy is more than that. 


To me health means:
1) calm mind and spirit
2) fulfilling relationships
3) physical health and well being
4) energy to conquer daily obstacles
5) accepting yourself for who you are, no matter what you look like or what other people say

I struggle with many of these aspects of health, but especially the last one. This is why I'm starting a blog. I am trying to improve myself and my relationships, but I want it recorded, I want it online where anyone can follow me (even if all of my readers are made up in my mind) and learn with me, especially those who are trying to deal with what I'm dealing with. 






So I feel like I should introduce myself and paint you a picture of who I am at this moment. My name is Heather. (That is the only real name I'm going to give you. If I mention anyone else, the names have been changed for privacy reasons.) I am a second year student at UC Santa Barbara. I love my boy friend, I love my friends, I love my family. I'm intelligent and do well academically. I have a theatre background, which is obvious in my voice and gestures if you know what to look for. I love to draw and paint when I have the time and the materials. I enjoy scrapbooking (again when I have the time and materials). I read when I can. I do yoga to relax. I'm a self-identified gym rat. I'm a double major in psychology and sociology with possible minors in french and applied psychology. I am an atheist who loves religion. Confusing, yes, but that will be explained in a later post, because many people can't understand how I can be so at peace with life and death without believing in God, but that's a different story. I am a feminist, but not a femi-nazi! People are very closed minded when they hear the word feminist, because they do not know what it means, but I'll explain my version of feminism at a later date. 


That's a pretty good explanation of who I am for now. You'll learn more later, if you care to know. This is extremely therapeutic for me, this journey, writing about it. I hope it's as enlightening for you as it will be for me. 

Remember to always love yourself