Thursday, March 17, 2011

Self Hate

I am in an abusive relationship.

It's one of those relationships that you can't escape. It's permanent. You're stuck with this person. One cannot exist without the other. We support each other, but we tear each other down. We get off on each other's pain and misery. We push each other and challenge each other. We eat together, sleep together, live together, learn together... I remember the days when my relationship was healthy, back when I wasn't aware of it. It was just me, and "me" was I and I was happy and it was a continuum of being myself. But now myself has split into two, the "me" and the "Self". And we are in a love-hate relationship.

Why am I so cruel to myself? What did my Self do to me to make me hate her so much? I don't lie to myself. I don't cheat myself. I don't abuse myself. But my Self abuses me. It's like I'm two different people, maybe even three people, but the third Heather, the positive and happy Heather, has been on a hiatus for the past few weeks. It's just me, the neutral, distracted Heather and my Self, the evil, vindictive, me-hating Heather. She and I have been battling it out for control, and she's been winning. I'm turning into this self-abusing, self-hating person. Everybody is worried about me, but not worried enough. I'm not sure if they know the gravity of the situation. Where is happy Heather? She is my support. She keeps me going. How can I fight off my inner critic when I'm just in neutral?

Lately, I've been really leaning on my boyfriend, Anthony, for support. I keep falling apart and he keeps having to put me back together again... and again... and again! It's not fair to him. He used to have this happy, vivacious girlfriend. I've never truly loved myself, but I never hated myself as much as I do now. How can someone love a person who doesn't love herself? He's been having to love me for the both of us. And I feel like I haven't been able to muster up any love to shower on him. That doesn't mean I don't love him. I love him with all of my heart, every fiber of my being, every inch of me is for him. But I'm in neutral. Emotions that I can handle at this point don't really extend beyond stress and sadness. When my negative Self takes over, however, I become angry and depressed and filled with hatred and impulsivity. I want to do something drastic. I want to make a statement. I'm hovering over this line that I have yet to cross. If I cross it, I will pass into a realm that I don't really want to explore. When I get close to crossing that line, the "me", the meek little neutral and rational "me" speaks up and asks for help, usually from Anthony. So far... I've been asking for help when it gets bad. I really hope the time doesn't come when I don't want to ask for help and I just want to cross the line.

In my last post, I mentioned that it was finals week and I gave myself some tips for stress relief. Yeah... I didn't really take my own advice. I've been exercising for sure. I listened to some upbeat music before my most recent final and I think that helped. But that's about it. I've really been letting the stress get to me this week. It may be what triggered this meltdown of mine. I guess we'll see what happens when I get a week off for Spring Break. And I'll be with Anthony for that week, so maybe physical contact and direct love and support will help me.

I'm just really sick of feeling this way. I do NOT want to cross that line. I'll become something that I never thought I would be. I'd set myself up for failure. I'd start this spiral of actions and reactions that would be this vicious cycle until either I waste away or Anthony gives up on me... or my friends give up on me...

I just don't know what to do. How do I put myself back together again? How can I make that vibrant, happy, beautiful Heather return?

I obviously have no advice for this post. If I did, I'd say it to myself... huh... and my Self!

And of course I feel even worse knowing that so many have died recently in the earthquake and tsunami in Japan... and here I am whining about how I hate myself and woe is me and please help and what do I do... blah blah blah... And feeling guilty about feeling sad doesn't really make me feel any better, does it...

1 comment:

  1. You know you would never let anyone speak to you the way you speak to yourself.
    But I will never give up on you :) Please keep working on it. I love you!